Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Plan Me No Plans
by ChickWithThePurpleGuitar
Summary: Percy and Annabeth try to do some matchmaking for the good of the camp, and Nico and Thalia suffer from it. Anti-Thalico even though I ship it now. Oneshot.


**A/N: So I wrote this like four years ago. And now it's kinda pointless cause I ship Thalico… but I didn't then, and I still don't outside of AUs so I guess this kind of still counts. Anyway, this is my anti-Thalico fic of the past. Please enjoy and please, actual Thalico fans, no flames please. I am one of you now.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

"Heey, Nico," Percy greeted his cousin, sliding up next to the son of Hades.

"What do you want?" Nico demanded, pretty much ignoring Percy and continuing to sharpen his Stygian Iron sword.

"Why do you always assume I want something?" Percy asked innocently.

Nico just barely turned his head to look at his cousin. "Because when you talk like that, you always want something," he replied, before turning back.

Percy sighed. "Fine. I _may _want just a _little _something."  
"What do you want?" Nico repeated.

"Well," Percy began, stepping closer to his cousin. "Annabeth and I are going on a date tomorrow and-"

"Why do I care?" Nico asked, facing him.

"I'm getting to that," Percy assured him, then continued, "So, Annabeth and I are going on a date tomorrow and we wanted to know if you and Thalia wanted to come."  
Nico, understanding the question differently than how Percy wanted him to, considered this; then shrugged. "Nah; I'm good," he told his cousin. "But you can ask Thalia."

Nico turned back to his sword-sharpening mechanism, but Percy wasn't done yet. "Um, yeah, Annabeth's asking Thalia now, but I _kinda _meant you and Thalia _together,_" Percy rephrased.

Nico figured he'd go on this stupid date just to get Percy to shut up, so he said, "Okay, we can carpool."  
Percy sighed. "No, Nico. I meant… so, it's gonna be a date for me and Annabeth, so _we _thought it'd be better as a _double _date."  
Nico, still not entirely getting it, teased, "Okay. I like Annabeth enough. Have fun with Thalia, Percy."  
Percy, having had enough of Nico at the moment, took a deep breath and through clenched teeth, said to his cousin, "No, Nico. A double date. Me and Annabeth. You and Thalia."

After that one sentence, it was suddenly Nico who was angry. "Me and Thalia?!" he nearly exploded. "How _dare _you say something like that! What the Hades is wrong with you? Thalia and I would make a _terrible _couple! She swore off boys! If she went on a date with me, she'd turn into a jackal or something! Plus, she hates me! She thinks I'm a weird, anti-social, emo-goth _kid_ who smells like death! She _actually _told me this! And even if she liked me as a friend, which she doesn't, she _kinda _freaks me out, what with the whole immortality thing and the freaky-sharp arrows! And _besides _all that, if you go all technical, she's, like twenty. I'm _thirteen! _I'd really rather not date a girl who's seven years older than me and isn't gonna get any older! And to make this all even _worse, _Thalia is the leader of a bunch of _girls _who have hated boys _practically _their whole lives, and if I tried to make a move on Thalia, _they'd kill me!_"

"Are you saying you'd _like _to make a move on her?" Percy asked hopefully.

"No!" Nico shouted. "Like I said before, _she hates me._"

"But that doesn't necessarily mean you hate _her,_" Percy sheepishly pointed out.

Nico grabbed his newly-sharpened sword and pointed it at Percy, suddenly glad he'd figured out Percy's weak spot. "Do you _really _want me to suck your soul out?" Nico threatened.

Percy shook his head and stepped back. Nico sighed and lowered his weapon. "Like I said before," he repeated. "Her arrows freak me out."  
"Why are you afraid of arrows?" Percy asked, hoping not to set Nico off, but also extremely curious.

"They're too sharp," Nico replied, while ironically sliding his hand back and forth along the blade of his sword.

"Too sharp? Dude, you carry a sword in your belt," Percy argued.

Nico looked up at him, true confusion on his face. "So?" he asked.

Percy shook his head. "Never mind."  
The two demigods stood in awkward silence for a minute or two; then Nico asked, "What's this all about, Percy?"

Percy looked up. "What do you mean?" he questioned.

Nico considered how to reply; then explained, "Annabeth doesn't hate me and Thalia's her best friend. You're not smart enough to think of this by yourself. So where did this 'Thalia and Nico' thing really come from?"  
Percy shifted uncomfortably, probably deciding whether to answer or not, but eventually admitted, "Our fellow campers are getting bored. They've been living with Percabeth for almost a year now and are getting kinda tired of it, and Traitie's not really working, so _apparently, _Thalico is all the rage in the Aphrodite Cabin."

Nico's head snapped up in surprise and he pretty much exploded again. "Percabeth?! Traitie?! _Thalico?! _What in Dad's name is wrong with you people?! What do those words even _mean?!_ And why would you idiots actually _care _so much? Is your only joy in life making fun of people by giving them couple names, even when they're not a couple?! What is _with _that? If Thalia and I were _ever _going to be together, which we aren't, I hope and assumed that neither of us would want to be forced together by our so-called 'friends'! I mean, seriously! Thalico. Ha! What's next, Rathan? Thuke? Seckendorf? A bunch of other stupid couple names where half the lovebirds are _dead? _You people are _sick. _I'm outta here. Have fun on your date."  
Having finished his rant, Nico left his sword-sharpen house and stomped off, grumbling to himself. Percy was left there, feeling hurt and wondering whether Annabeth was having any more luck.

_Meanwhile…_

Annabeth confidently knocked on the door of Camp Half-Blood's Cabin Eight, prepared to have a little talk with her best friend. When one of the other Hunters opened the door, one Annabeth wasn't entirely familiar with, the daughter or Athena suddenly felt self-conscious but quickly pulled herself together and asked, "Can I speak to Thalia?"

The Hunter studied Annabeth warily before she began interrogating her. "What is your name?" the girl asked coldly.

"Annabeth Chase," was the answer.

"What business do you have with our lieutenant?" the Hunter continued.

"Oh, it's nothing that important," Annabeth replied. "I just wanted to ask her a quick question."  
Annabeth leaned forward, looking for her friend, but the Hunter blocked her way. "I can take a message," the girl informed her.

Annabeth sighed. She could tell this wasn't going to go as easily as she'd hoped. "Listen, it's kinda personal, so if you could just please tell Thalia I'm here?" Annabeth tried to sound as polite as she could, hoping that the Huntress would realize she wasn't a threat.

It didn't work.

"If it is too _inappropriate _to say in front of the Hunters, it is not to be said to our lieutenant," the girl declared.

Annabeth sighed again, hoping that her boyfriend was having better luck with Nico.

"Phoebe, leave her alone," a voice suddenly said.

Annabeth grinned as Thalia Grace exited the cabin to greet her. The other Hunter, Phoebe, bowed to Thalia, gave Annabeth a dirty look, and went back inside.

"Hey, Annabeth, what's up/" Thalia asked, leaning against the doorway of the cabin.

"Hey, Thals," Annabeth said. "Listen, uh, Percy and I are going out to dinner tomorrow, and we wondered if you and Nico wanted to come."

Thalia frowned. "I don't think I have anything going on tomorrow; sure, I'll drive Nico over."  
Annabeth shook her head. "No; I kinda meant for it to be, like a double date."  
Thinking her best friend was joking, Thalia teased, "I don't think Percy would want to go on a date with me, Annabeth."

Annabeth sighed. "No, Thals. I meant… Percy and me, you and Nico."

Thalia blinked. Twice. Three times. Then said slowly, "Me… and… _Nico?_" Annabeth nodded. "Annabeth, are you _crazy?_ I swore off boys! And even if I hadn't, Nico's just a little kid! I wouldn't go out with him in a million years! Why in the world would you think I would? I mean, seriously, Annabeth. Of all people, Nico? _Nico? _What is wrong with you?"

Annabeth took a deep breath before answering, hoping not to make her friend even angrier. "Half the camp thinks that Thalico is-"

"Wait, wait, wait," Thalia interrupted. "_Thalico? _Like… Percabeth but with Nico and me?"

Annabeth nodded.

Thalia sighed and shook her head. "You people sicken me," she muttered, turning back to Cabin Eight. "Have fun on your date, Annabeth."

Thalia went back into her cabin and Annabeth sighed. She should've known Thalia would be hard to convince. She just hoped Percy had better luck with Nico.

_Later…_

Nico jumped when there was a sharp knock on his cabin door. "If it's Percy, I'm going to kill him," he muttered as he got up from his bed.

But when he opened the door, it was not Percy standing there, but Thalia.

"Oh! Thalia!" Nico said rather awkwardly. "Sup?"

Thalia studied him intently, then asked, "Percy tell you about tomorrow?"  
Nico nodded. "Annabeth ask you?" Thalia nodded.

After a short hesitation, Nico added, "You said no, right?"  
"Of course!" Thalia exclaimed.

"Yeah; yeah, me too," Nico muttered.

"Now I'm thinking we should go," Thalia continued.

Nico's eyes widened.

"Not as a couple," Thalia hastily assured him. "Just… to show how bad a couple we'd be."

Nico nodded. "Yeah, that could work. 'Cause, we _would _be a terrible couple."

"Definitely," Thalia agreed.

"Anyway," Nico then said. "You tell Annabeth, I'll tell Percy?"

Thalia nodded, then ran off to announce the fake Thalico.

Nico grinned to himself. All those who supported the couple were going to be very, _very _disappointed.

_The next day…_

"Ready?" Thalia asked as she and Nico stood in front of the restaurant doors.

Nico nodded. "Ready."  
They took deep breaths and entered the building holding hands. After Nico and Thalia had told Percy and Annabeth that they'd try out Thalico, they'd made some visits. Thalia had gone to explain their plan to Artemis so she wouldn't kick Thalia out of the Huntresses, and Nico had spoken to his father and Zeus so they wouldn't start a war because their children were dating.

Now, they were about to start their fake relationship, and they were absolutely terrified. When Percy and Annabeth spotted them, they called them over to their table to sit. The four of them ordered their food and sat there eating awkwardly.

Then, after about 20 minutes, Thalia stood up. "I'm sorry," she said. "I'm sorry, Nico, but this just isn't working."  
Thalia was a good actress, Nico thought. It actually felt like she was breaking up with him.

"We have absolutely nothing in common except for love of the color black," Thalia continued, "and that is _not _enough to build a relationship off of." Thalia shook her head. "I'm sorry, guys- really. But it just doesn't work."

And with just a _touch _of dramatic flair, Thalia stomped out of the restaurant.

Nico stood after she was gone. "I should probably go," he told Percy and Annabeth. "Thanks guys."

Outside, Nico caught up with Thalia. "That totally worked!" he exclaimed.

"It was quite successful," Thalia agreed.

"Oh, by the way," Nico added, "if they ever try to do that to us again, we bring up Prachel."

"Yes! And Lukabeth."

"Definitely."  
They walked in awkward silence for a minute; then Thalia said, "Anyway, I gotta get back to Artemis. See ya later?"  
Nico nodded, smiling. "See ya."

As he shadow-traveled away, Nico thought about how maybe- just _maybe_- he and Thalia could actually be friends someday. But Thalico? No. Just, no.

**A/N: Hope you liked it. Please review!**


End file.
